Addiction, Boundaries, Love, Recovery:

Are You Living The Dream – Or Facing Reality

12 Sep 2011 by Recovering You, No Comments »

Loving an addict

 

Have you ever found yourself driving somewhere, lost in a dream, only to discover that you missed your turn off?

Or maybe you?e been in a situation where you?e been so focussed on a preconceived outcome that you didn? see the signs for better opportunities all around you.

Living with and loving an addict can be like that.

When we meet someone new, someone we like, it doesn? take long before we invest in hopes and dreams for the relationship. Those early days of dating are filled with excitement, passion and fun and we put on all our best performances to try and impress each other and improve our chances of finding the happiness we most desire. And the longer we spend with that person, the more convinced we become that our happiness will be tied to having them in our lives forever.

Unfortunately though, when you?e in a relationship with an addict, it doesn? take long for things to start getting a bit off track, for the spell to break just a little.

Initially, you convince yourself everything is harmless. Who doesn? run out of money every now and then and need to borrow some? Haven? we all had angry outbursts over small things? And maybe he doesn? drink THAT much.

While some people will turn away at the first sign of trouble in a new relationship, others of us become committed to the cause, wanting to love them through their difficulties, to be the one who supports them and makes it right, to fix them and then live happily ever after.

And there in lies the problem.

We become so attached to the outcome, the dream of the relationship, the redemption of the lost soul, the victory over difficulty and the prize of ultimate happiness, that we don? notice the collateral damage, the true cost of the battle.

Soon we believe that there is no way other than to fight until the bitter end for what we want, while in the same moment wondering how much more we can take.

But can you chase a dream of togetherness, on your own?

And what if the cost of chasing that dream is the loss of you?

How much of yourself will you have given away by the time you realise there is no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?

Don? get me wrong, I? not saying that you shouldn? try. I? not saying you should just give up on the person you love and assume they will never be any good. After all, I know first hand that loving an addict can turn into magic. There can be happy endings (or beginnings as we like to say).

But I am saying that when we give too much to holding onto the vision at all costs, we lose sight of what is real today. We wear our blinkers and blindly walk down a path that we hope and pray leads to our destination. We allow ourselves to ignore what is, for what might be.

Waiting for someone else to change, for everything to align, for that break you are waiting for won? ever get you what you want. The most promising way to create the life you dream of, the happiness you deserve, is to take control, believe you are worth having that which you desire, and then begin making changes to manifest it.

You have to notice the signs, pay attention to the clues and ask yourself if the dream still has it? lustre or has it raised it? stakes too high and requires too much of that which you need to preserve for yourself to really make it worth it. Letting go with honour, rather than hanging on at all costs, can be the start of creating new possibilities, for you and perhaps for your loved one too.

It hurts to let go of something you have set your hopes on, to admit that what you were fighting for might not be possible, that your dreams might not come true. We want to believe that fairytale endings are more than movie trickery, but hanging onto a dream that is miles from reality, instead of recognising the signs that are telling you to let go, will hurt YOU more in the long run.

Step back and make space for what is, accept today and let tomorrow bring what it may. You might be surprised at what is free to be when you stop hanging on so tight to what SHOULD be.

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