Lying | Don’t Get Tangled Up In The Untruths
?? not upset that you lied to me, I? upset that from now on I can? believe you.?/strong> ~ Nietzsche
There is a saying ?ow do you know when an addict is lying? Their lips are moving? By the time addiction has fully taken its hold,this is not too far from reality unfortunately .
When the lies begin, initially their primary intent will be to cover up the signs of any problem in an attempt to protect the addiction.
But an addict won? stop while they are ahead and eventually you will hear and catch your loved one out on so many lies that it becomes impossible to believe anything they say.
At it? worst, an addict will come to believe the lies they tell and the lies tend to get more and more pointless and ridiculous as they get into the habit of lying about pretty much everything they do. The problem is that they have built a world around them of lies and dishonesty and it gets to the point where one lie covers up the last lie and so on and so forth. The web gets more and more convoluted until the point where the lies are coming quicker than they can control.
Of course they will trip up many times along the way and you will notice. But it? not enough to stop them.
Trust and respect falls away with every lie and you start to dislike the person your addict has become. If anything, you don? know that person anymore because the lies make it too hard to connect to them.
The lying is insulting, frustrating, tiresome and just plain irritating. You know the lies are coming but no matter how much you ask and plead for the respect of the truth, they just can? seem to keep their story straight.
Any expression of your suspicion that they are lying will be met with intense justification and defence and most likely anger and claims of incrimination. This strong reaction can make you doubt what you are hearing, seeing and feeling and whether you have been too quick to accuse your loved one and you think to yourself ?aybe what they say is true and I? just making a big deal over nothing?
The lies are doing their job.
The addiction has gained a little more ground with your doubt.
So how do you cope with this behaviour and the lack of trust?
The key is to understand that the lies are not personally directed to hurt you. They are a misguided attempt at protecting the addict, and their addiction. And it won? be only you that they are lying to. They will also lie to most other people in their life, as they hide from their truth and try to create and project a persona quite different to the person they believe they are inside.
There is little point in trying to untangle the lies as they are being told, this is a pointless exercise that will only waste your energy as your loved one spins themselves further into a web of deceit and you become even more frustrated. And even with an admission, you wont feel any satisfaction. The damage was done the moment the lie left their lips.
The fact is you more than likely know the truth you are seeking and expecting an addict to suddenly become honest and open at this point is expecting too much. It? not about accepting the lies it is accepting that as long as addiction is present, it is wasted energy to pursue the truth.
The only thing you can control about this situation is to speak YOUR truth and remain in control of YOUR reactions. You might state calmly that you find it difficult to believe what you are being told but you don? need to take it any further than that. Your loved one will hear your doubt and even if their addiction won? let them acknowledge it at that point, there will come a day when they will recognise what you, and everyone else, knew all along.
The lying that comes with addiction can be almost as bad as the addiction itself as it completely undermines the respect and values we normally uphold in a close relationship but the most important thing for you to know is that the lying is an addicted behaviour and not an indication of the person you love being inherently insincere and dishonest . This can be a tough distinction to make but can help to retain your connection with the person you love, despite their compulsions.
Photo credit:) 2010Susana Fernandez