Addiction, Boundaries, Enablement, Love:

‘No’ – It’s Not The Worst Word You Can Say

8 Oct 2011 by Recovering You, No Comments »

Loving an addict

 

No

 

A small word. Just 2 letters.

But a word with so much meaning, so much power.

If we use it right. If we mean it and stick to it.

But it? a word so many of us struggle to use.

And it? a word that causes a huge amount of internal conflict, because even when we know it? the right answer, we believe that those 2 letters, that one word, says everything bad about who we are if we use it.

If we say ?o?we are unkind, mean, not nice, difficult, confrontational, rude, selfish, disrespectful, unlovable, undesirable, everything that no body would want.

So instead we say yes.

Yes is easier.

It keeps the peace, it makes everyone else feel better, it doesn? cause as many problems, it? the polite thing to say, the ?ice?thing to say. It makes us easier to love, easier to get along with, easier not to get angry at.

But sometimes we want to say ?o? Sometimes we need to say ?o?

And yet it can be the hardest word to say.

But saying ?o?is about asserting ourselves and about taking the responsibility of actively choosing what we will and won? accept, do, say or feel.

Saying ?o?is about directing the course of your actions and your outcomes, regardless of what others would have you do.

The thing is, when you say ?o?and someone doesn? respect your answer, they are trying to control you, manipulate you, force you to give them the answer or follow the plan they wanted you to.

When you say ?o, I won?? ?o, I can?? or just ?o?and they try to change your mind which ever way they can, you haven? been heard, you haven? been respected, your choice hasn? been valued.

It is said that ?o?is a complete sentence. And when you are strong in yourself this is usually the case. But if you have lost your sense of conviction, or never had it to begin with, ?o?tends to be the start of a negotiation. A negotiation with those who know you don? have the courage to push back, to get you to the point when you change your mind so that they can get what they need and have it the way they want.

And it? not their fault.

We all take the easy road if we can. And having people in our lives that will step aside for us, do things our way or give us more of themselves at their own expense makes living our lives that much easier.

But what does it do for the person who said yes, when they meant no?

It erodes their self esteem, it keeps them small, it makes them do things they don? want to do, it causes them to feel frustrated and disrespectful of themselves, it takes away their power and creates a feeling of having little control of their lives.

It feeds regret, and shame. It wastes energy and depletes confidence.

From one word?

Think of all the things you have said ?es?to, when you wanted to say ?o?

Then think of the feelings that came with those moments and because I have been in your shoes, I feel pretty confident they will match some of those I have mentioned above.

The old slogan ?ust Say No?seems so ironic on a blog such as this.

Because they can? say ?o?we live with and love addicts. Because we can? say ?o?we enable them to keep saying ?es?to their addiction.

Learning to say ?o?is one of the biggest steps of freeing YOU from the clutches of addiction. When we say ?o?we stop enabling, we stop feeding the addiction, we stop creating a safe space for it to stay settled and permanent.

It won? be easy, it won? feel natural, but when you can begin to say ?o? you take back your power, you take back your choice, and you begin to decide what will be allowed in your life.

And you will be surprised how quickly the addict in your life begins to understand that you are no longer open for easy manipulation and enablement.

You can regain a much more even footing with this simple word and also regain a sense of control over your situation.

You have every right to say ?o? It? a word you can choose, just like anyone else.

It doesn? mean anything about the kind of person you are, how nice you are, how easy going you are or how inflexible you are.

It simply means no.

 

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